Today is the day. The day where I begin one of the scariest yet most exciting experiences of my life. Today I jumped so far out of my comfort zone that I know I will not be the same person coming back. They say that change only happens under difficult times which is why I feel that this experience will be one of the single handed most important moments of my life. 

Today I said goodbye to my family and everything familiar that I know and jumped on a plane to Asia for four months. Now, I’ve gone abroad and traveled before but nothing that felt so real as this. I’m alone. I’m not on a program from University of Michigan.  I don’t have fellow students to travel with. I don’t know the language. I relatively don’t know anyone there. It’s all on me. I have to figure it out. I have to take charge. I have to be independent. 

I think that’s why I became so overwhelmed and my anxiety worsened the days leading up until today. I’ve never been an independent person. I’ve always relied on others. Family. Friends. Boyfriends. I try to push myself a little ways, but when things get difficult I tend to cower and defer to those around me. That is no longer an option. And I am so thankful yet terrified that this is the case. 

I can honestly admit that I’m a very emotional, stressed, and dependent person. At times, I’ve shown strength and proven myself wrong, but only glimmers. The pattern doesn’t last for long as I turn back to my old ways of leaning on others for support, encouragement, self worth, and love. This is different. This experience not only allows but forces me to learn, grow, and develop as an individual. As Angie. For the first time in my life I feel free and deep down I know this is the turning point in my life. My hope is to come out such a strong, confident, intelligent, forceful, and inspirational woman. 

I’ve struggled for so long with who I am and not seeing my worth. I’m tired of not believing in myself and having to let others pick up the pieces for me. I want to not only hear the affirmations from those around me, but truly believe them. I want to find the inner me that can be proud of myself and love myself. I want to find me. Since college and even high school, I’ve defined myself in relation to others. At times I lost my voice. I lost doing things for myself. I lost believing in me. I lost me. One of the most terrifying things is that I don’t know who I am or even more importantly how to find me. 

Yet I remain hopeful. I want to be the person sure of themselves. I want to feel weightless and not tied down to others. I want to see my worth on my own. I want to be the person I always dreamed of becoming. I pushed myself by coming here. But that’s not enough. I’m making a promise to continue to push myself, every day. Push myself to try new experiences. Push myself to do different things I normally wouldn’t. Push myself to learn and show my dedication at work. Push myself to reflect. Push myself to take time for myself. Push myself to get to know me. 

I want to look back on this experience and say this was my moment. My moment of lift. The one that propelled me, empowered me, and set me on fire down a path of social justice and progression. My moment I look back on and say how far I’ve come, yet never go back. My moment to begin the rest of my life. 

I’m not sure exactly what the format of this blog will be. I suspect lots of reflection. Lots of pictures. What I’m doing. Even just little day to day updates on my life. Also lots of cultural and educational facts and observations along the way. Most of the time I will push myself to be vulnerable and share things about myself that I’ve never told anyone. I want to have this collection source where I can look back and see just how far I’ve come. It takes a very dark place for something magical, beautiful, and life changing to grow. Thank you for being a part and witnessing my journey.